Secrets

I had a dream last night that a football hatched and a puppy came out.

I felt empty today. I kept my mouth shut a lot. Head down, sat in pod, focused on work. Didn't feel super witty or invested in much. It was like someone slipped a prozac in my water. I think it was because of all the ODing I had been doing with caffeine pills. Or I'm fighting a summer cold. Who knows.

Went to Breanna's after work and swam at her pool. Then went home while she went to volleyball. I want to pool everyday. I love pooling. We took rum with us. Chatted about travel. That was neat.

My journey at Bozell has been very interesting. I may need to write a short story about it someday. Or a few. This place has been a rollercoaster. In terms of the business and in terms of the people. I love it here though. The way you start to fall in love with your captors.

Is there a word for that?

Day three without power. I would have expected the apartment to be hotter. It's actually very comfortable.

Summer Solstice

Today was the longest day of the year. I wanted to play hooky. Go to the roof, day drink by the pool. I hope there is a parallel universe where that happened. I am told there is a full moon out right now.

I ran three miles after work. Immediately when I started running it rained on me. It's wasn't horrible. Complimented my sweat and my mood well. I was sad today. Someone play a violin for me. Write a fucking sonnet about it.

I was focused at work. I used my grumpy to be focused. I haven't been that clearheaded in a while. Work felt easy. Thinking was boring. It seemed like everything I said or thought had an echo to it. There was a loneliness in the effort.

Nathan is helping me get some things together for Hannah's birthday. He's the sort of man we all wish we could be. I enjoy being his friend, but it always makes me feel guilty. I'm not as good of a person. It's like if you spent the night at your friend's much nicer, bigger home. You never quite feel comfortable or welcome, no matter how much they tell you "me casa is su casa".

My apartment was without power today.

Free Time

I just got done watching an old vlog from Casey Neistat. May 7, 2015.

Watch it here.

In it he delineates out his average day. Explains how "free time" and "fun" have no room, because he's busy doing the things he values more. He looks great in this video. Arms are big, eyes bright. He's energetic and lucid. He talks about this being probably the healthiest time of his life and how he doesn't want to waste any minute.

Today was father's day. It was nice. The kids were good to me. I spent almost the entire day in bed being lazy. Watching the Craft Beer channel on YouTube. Facebook. Instagram. I ate junk food. I did go outside to watch the sunset. Made the kids come with initially, but there was complaining.

I was thinking that today was a success. I was congratulating myself on letting myself be lazy. But the truth is, I feel guilty and dumb. I wish I had used more energy. Gotten up and gotten out with the kids. We talked about a walk, but it never really materialized. I like days when they tell me they are tired at the end.

I've got a lot of cleaning to do tomorrow. The kids did a number on the apartment. Usually I make them pick up their messes, but I thought I should probably just be nice to them today. Plus, I sort of want to pay a penance for fucking off all damn day.

Got accidentally drunk last night, btw. Bells is finally in Omaha. I put away a six of two hearted. It was a quiet inebriation.

Happy F D.

Remember the lake?

I have a friend who has a house really close to where I went on vacation. I learned this tonight.

I spent a lot of money on donuts and cake and pizza for father's day. I like that. I love my kids. Also, I love donuts and pizza. Not "doughnuts", "donuts".

I was grumpy today. I don't know why. Plenty of sleep happened. I tried not to be. I went on a run. It was a disaster. I ran for two miles. The heat killed me. I walked almost the rest of the last two miles. Not all. I think it's important that I keep running in the heat. Seems like I should be able to adapt to the environment. I don't want to be "Drago".

I wish my life was different. Not different. But different.

Little to nothing at all.

It's summer hours at work. That means we can leave at 2:00. Ish. I didn't do that today. I hung out. Chatted with Tim. We are hitting a comfortable stride working together. There was butting of heads initially. I was surprised at how volatile our relationship got. But we made it through. I think that guy still struggles with me. There's very much a big brother attitude sometimes. He respects me. There is equanimity. But many times there's unasked for advice and finger-wagging. He's never really wrong. And I'm never radically insulted. But it's a thing. I think time will even everything out.

I self identify as a rule breaker. But not always in the spirit of just plain old anarchy. I like to explore so that I can learn. I mean, breaking the rules is fun, and there's plenty of that going on, but I also think that if your brain is screwed on tight enough, you can learn far more when you shake things up. I think Tim gets uncomfortable when things get, uncomfortable. Which clearly makes sense. But he's also smart enough to be intrigued. He worries about me. This is a symptom of him giving a shit, not judgment. Well no, there's some judgment, but dude, who could blame him?

I need to put more thought into this. Explore examples. I'm explaining my gut feelings. These thoughts are too raw and new to be fully correct. The spirit seems close though.

Breanna brought her little sister Iris to work. She's five. We all went to lunch. A big group of us. I spent the whole time giving Iris all of my attention. She's awesome. Sweet little girl. One of my favorite ages. I remember when Molly and I were building a family I felt very much like a fish out of water. Sometimes I wonder how much I've changed over the years. Being comfortable around kids is a big one. I don't know what that means exactly. But I do know that I'm going to enjoy being a grandparent someday.

I worry about dating. I'm not sure I want to share my kids. And I have many strong, potentially unwaverable ideas about how to parent children. Luckily I don't have to worry too much. Dating is pretty much off the fucking books for me right now.

Off the ball.

I was very proactive today. My driver's license expires on my birthday this year. I went online so I could see what sort of paperwork I might need to take with me to the DMV. There was a form. I downloaded and printed the form. I used a really nice blue pen. My best handwriting. When I got to the DMV I found out there was a 45 minute wait. Not the end of the world, but long enough to complain on facebook about it. I was informed by a friend that if I had bothered to continue to look online I would have found that there is a way to signup digitally for a specific call time so I don't have to wait in line so long. Doh. But I chatted it up with a nice woman about books.* So, but, when I was finally called back I got my picture taken and I took the eye test. I tried a few jokes out, but the woman behind the counter was quintessential grumpy. Turns out the internet also forgot to inform me that because I was changing my address, I needed to have two pieces of proof. I didn't have those. But even if I had, I still wouldn't have been able to get my license. Apparently there is a 90 day window before your license expiration date that you must use. Not before. Certainly not after.

So even when I tried to get ahead, I end up behind.

Fucking metaphors, man.

I want to go skydiving in the mountains. Before the summer is over.

*Joyce Carol Oates: The Man Without A Shadow

And call me in the morning.

I didn’t run today. I actually went home over lunch to run. Sat on the couch to call my dad. Promptly fell asleep. I dunno. 

Dipped the bottom of my first IPA (Double Knotted) into orange paint this afternoon. That could have gone better. It is what it is.

Heat outside was intense. Thinking hard was exhausting.

Hugged Dominic extra hard.

Made cookies.

Still lonely. I wish there was a pill for it. I would take two. Because fuck rules.